Cave Archives
🪶 Cave Archives
Hall of Failed Inventions
It’s not easy being a caveman. Life is a daily challenge out here in the wild. We once spent six or seven days just trying to come up with a word for fire — partly because our alphabet only has 10–12 letters… or so I think.
You see, we just really don’t know numbers. Rockmath is not our thing.
Nodigit is trying to invent them, but he’s divided about adding sum. Six–seven? He insists 6 –7 equals somewhere between maybe and yes. Go figure.
Before Caveman Myk discovered the Comfy Feet Sleeping Bag®, the world endured some truly… questionable ideas. Here in the Cave Archives, we honor those bold innovators whose inventions didn’t quite roll, burn, or brew — but got us a little closer to progress.
🪵 Noroll Fourpoints
Built the square wheel. Blamed the earth for being flat.
“Wheel fine! Earth broken!”
Noroll believed that more sides meant smoother rides. He was wrong. Transportation remained bumpy — and so did his reputation.
His apprentice, Flatoes, achieved slightly better fame with his flatstone flip-flops. So that’s progress.
Flatoes, proud of his newfound fame, would “roll” to the Ol’ Grog House in his square-wheeled cart, prop himself on a dirt box, and raise a gourd of grog high. There, he would proclaim his love for grog — a passion that led to the next great (and terrible) invention.
🍺 Nowit Nogrog
Invented dehydrated grog.
“Just add water and wait two or three weeks.”
“How long is that?” everyone asked, perplexed by numbers.
“Six–seven,” replied Nogrog. “More patience, better grog!”
Brilliant in theory, disappointing in practice. Nowit’s brother, Leswit, is still waiting for the first batch to finish brewing.
Leswit amuses himself endlessly as he waits — flat dancing in his polished flatstone flip-flops around the Cold Fire pit invented by…
🔥 Blarg Coldfire
Created fire that doesn’t burn.
“Safe for cooking in the raw.”
Blarg proudly claimed it was perfect for summer fires. The tribe called it a pile of wet sticks.
Those wet sticks were, unfortunately, a byproduct of Thunk Itchhide’s questionable discovery.
🪵 Thunk Itchhide
Used bark instead of pelts for clothing and sleeping gear.
“Natural! Scratchy! Eco-friendly!”
Thunk was passionate about sustainability, but his customers kept returning their products… and their skin.
His son, Tweez Itchhide, later created the original tweezers — crafted from splintered bone. They were remarkably effective at removing the splinters caused by his father’s “eco-friendly” inventions.
🪓 Krog Shortpelt
Invented the half-size sleeping bag.
“Legs not need cover. Make feet strong.”
Unfortunately, the feet disagreed. Krog’s legacy remains cold and brief.
🧊 Nogro the Thin
Invented air-flavored soup.
“Low calorie. Zero flavor. Infinite sadness.”
A true minimalist, Nogro believed less was more. He succeeded — in the “less” department.
🪨 Closing Stone
These pioneers remind us that every good idea has a few bad ones behind it.
They chipped, cracked, and stumbled — but they walked so we could trek.
